


岩泉の日記 (Iwaizumi's Diary)

by saintjoy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Body Image, Chatting & Messaging, College, Coming Out, Diary/Journal, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Iwaizumi's POV, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Plans For The Future, Slow Burn, Young Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:56:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 16,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3951463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintjoy/pseuds/saintjoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oikawa is not an intimate person. He flirts, and he teases, and flaunts his good looks and waves around his charisma like narcissism was the newest fashion trend. His little winks aren’t anything more than formalities; any smile he ever offers is fishing for so many compliments that his breath often smells of bait. He has the depth of a puddle of water on flat cement and the sympathy of a punch to the face.</p><p>The point is, Oikawa’s not the kind of guy that does anything without incredible practice and contemplation, and anything he does always has some underlying meaning to it. And seeing as he hasn’t stopped with the touchy-feely nonsense within the past week and a half, it’s clear that he’s playing at something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 一

Before I even get started on this: the stupid cover was Oikawa’s idea. The rainbow stickers, the floral GAY decal, the goddamn glitter that keeps getting all over everything. It’s in my hair and there’s no hope of getting it out any time soon. Takahiro had a good laugh when I walked into Physics like I’d just stepped out of a pride parade. 

Coming out to Oikawa yesterday was a mistake; that much is clear to me now. I was nervous beforehand – really, _me_ nervous about talking to stupid _Oikawa_ – and I almost flaked out when I said I needed to talk to him because, I don’t know, I thought he’d think I was weird. Or even worse, like I always harped on him over flirting with girls because I had a crush on him or something. 

In retrospect, I’d have rather taken _that_ than dealt with this… monstrosity of a diary. Figures that Oikawa would pull some stupid crap that made this whole thing about how _he_ was _such_ an accepting friend and _he _would “protect poor little Iwaizumi!” from all the big bad homophobes that don’t go to our school, because of all the sports that a gay guy could play, he wouldn’t pick volleyball.__

He’d pick wrestling. Or American football. Lesbians usually picked volleyball because the uniforms were cuter than guys’ baggy volleyball shorts and sweaty polos. 

And so that leads into this… thing. This light blue gay-i-fied journal where I’m supposed to write all my gay feelings about being gay and the gay things I do during my gay day. Because, you know, I’m gay. So gay. I’m Oikawa’s Gay Best Friend™. Hence my gay notebook, covered in rainbows and glitter and GAY. For my gay feelings. Because I’m gay. 

I’d never heard the word “gay” more than maybe once or twice up until yesterday. Then I blurt it out, and Oikawa practically bounces up and down wailing on about how it’s so cool that I trusted him to tell him about my incredible gayness and how he’s _totally_ here for me. 

Then he muttered something about how he knew all along. I expected to hear the usual, “I’ve seen you staring at me,” that he always pulls when he’s fake-flirting with me, but he actually brought up some things I never even noticed myself. I make a point of not looking at other guys’ junk in the locker rooms. Generally keep to myself. Not a lot of jealousy toward Oikawa over all the attention he gets. Though who would get jealous; that crap must just get annoying after a while. 

I’m glad he didn’t pin the classic gay stereotypes on me, which makes me think this disgusting notebook was just an example of his ironic humor whereupon he inflicts varying amounts of discomfort on me just to see me squirm. The bastard was laughing his ass off when I pulled off the wrapping paper and was met with an explosive mess of glitter. He ran too far away for me to throw a handful of the sparkly shit at his smug face. 

I think he gets it, though. In his own way, he gets it. So, even if he’s compelled to act like an obnoxious dick in front of everyone else, at least we’re all good.


	2. 二

Went out to lunch with some friends during our free period today. Apparently, word had gotten around that I was gay – _cough cough, Oikawa, cough cough_ – and they wanted to hear the truth from me. What do I care, I just told them and they seemed okay with it, past a few questions of “so out of us, who would you date” and “so mushroom head or sweater head?” Nothing much changed. I’m satisfied with that. I didn’t want any super extravagant surprise coming out parties that you see on reality TV shows. I just wanna be into guys, that’s it. I don’t want any of the frou-frou shit that people assume gay guys like. Why does coming out even have to be a big thing? I like guys. Whoopee. Big deal.

Sickeningly enough, though, one of my friends picked up a piece of paper that had a crude drawing of me and – dare I fucking say it – Oikawa scribbled on it. From the look of it, it must’ve fallen out of someone’s notebook, and I trusted that Kindaichi wasn’t one to pick around in trash cans for lewd drawings of his captain and vice-captain… I don’t even know how to describe this. Are we giving each other blow jobs? Or is it like, mutual ass eating? Or kissing? Fuck if I know. I can’t tell which side is the ass or which side is the face with either of these.

Although, I’d say that’s a pretty spot-on sketch of Oikawa himself. Hehehe...

 

 


	3. 三

Glitter is now the predominant element of my everyday life. I swear to god, there was glitter in my underwear this morning. I’m beginning to think Oikawa is hiding clumps of the shit in my uniform so I shed it all over the court. That I have to clean up afterward, while he makes snide comments about how I should take responsibility for the mess I keep making. I don’t even know where he’s getting all of this glitter from, but when I find the stash, I’m going to shove it so far up his ass he’ll be coughing it up on his breakfast cereal.


	4. 四

Fuck, I’m pissed. Oikawa really fucked up this time.

He was flirting with some girls before a practice match with a local high school, as usual. Shirking his duties as captain so he can get a few numbers that he’ll never call and gather up some smiles in some shitty bouquet of masturbatory narcissism. They were all, “ooh, Oikawa, you’re so talented, when I see you on the court I just wanna rip off my bra and throw it at you because I love you!” and he was all, “you flatter me, let me drop my pants so you can inflate my ego a little more,” and they were all, “gladly, Oikawa!”

It was all the usual shit that irritates the hell out of everyone from Aobajousai and everyone on the other team. He probably does it on purpose, knowing him. Probably even seeks out the girlfriends of the other team’s players’ and flirts with them, especially, knowing it’ll piss off everyone.

So, I had to drag him away so we could get to warming up. Throw the volleyball at his head so he can get a move on. And usually, he whines about how mean I am to him and says he’ll call the girls later, even though he never will, and gets his ass on the court.

Today, though. Fucking today, he had to turn around and say, “Geez, does little Iwaizumi have a crush on me? Are you jealous I’m not paying attention to you?” Then he gave me that little shitty wink of his before turning his back on the girls and heading in my direction.

And _then_ he said: “Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you, cutie.”

The girls fucking _squealed_ , like they were reading some shitty BL comic. It was appalling. Oikawa tried to wrap his arm around my shoulders and I just smacked him away, because that shit isn’t right. You don’t just put your gay best friend (not Gay Best Friend™, just your best friend who happens to be gay) on a pedestal and add him to your self-absorbed nonsense meant to make you seem even _more_ irresistible.

“Oh, Oikawa, not even Iwaizumi could resist your charms!”

“That’s so cute, oh-my-god, forbidden love!!”

“ _Soooooooo_ hot!!!”

He got on his big brown puppy eyes after that and tried to squeeze some forgiveness out of me, but I didn’t have any of it.

Well, fuck, I did have some of it. It worked for all of like, two seconds. Not more than that. I told him to fuck off, because pulling shit like that isn’t funny, or cute, or attractive. It’s just obnoxious.

I could’ve sworn I heard him mutter, “Didn’t mean to touch a nerve, Iwaizumi,” before he slipped past me to go motivate the rest of the team.

We did well on the match, 2-0. I went home without talking to Oikawa afterward.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi's got quite a mouth on him.


	5. 五

I hate his fake smiles. He likes to pretend that I can’t tell when he’s bullshitting his way through his facial expressions, saying I’m just overthinking things, when he and I both know that when it comes to him, he knows less about himself than I do.

His fake smiles look nothing like his real smiles. He shows his teeth in his fake smiles and moves his hands around a lot, like it’d distract from his face. He squints so he doesn’t see the people in front of him that could judge him, analyze him, pin him down to a board and stick him under a microscope and point out his every flaw – kind of ironic, how that works.

He tries to smile so wide that you can see the lining of his gums, putting in the extra effort to look cheerful. He looks more demonic than happy, in my opinion. And he always runs his hand – his left hand, always his left – through his hair after he flashes one of those grins. Like he’s trying to wipe away the lie.

His cheeks always get a little more flushed and his voice always gets higher, like a child’s, whenever he teases when he doesn’t really want to, whenever he smiles when he’s hating himself.

It’s a way of avoiding the inevitable confrontation he’s gonna have with himself. That he’s not perfect, and he’s not going to be perfect, not even for a single toss. Every request from his teammates as to how he could do better is just another stupid cry for help because he can’t get over his overwhelming inferiority complex.

It’s just a barrier and he’s acting like an idiot both behind it and in front of it.

He doesn’t actually smile a lot. He’s not big on showing actual emotions, that much I’ve learned. I see it when he’s on the court, sometimes. He has a pretty great shit-eating grin, but he’s also got this look of concentration that, surprisingly, doesn’t make him look constipated. Oddly enough, the most genuine face he makes is when he’s not making any expressions at all.

His real smiles, though, don’t have any teeth. His eyelids fall down halfway and his pupils dilate. His hands are always still, not fidgeting with a ball, or anything like that. Usually, he presses his fingertips together. Most people on the team think it’s some maniacal tick that he does when he’s threatening people; it’s not. It’s some slightly less maniacal tick that he does when he’s actually comfortable with himself, his surroundings, the people around him.

And he pretends I don’t get this. Maybe it’s just another wall, since I’ve broken through all the rest of them. If he pretends long enough, maybe I’ll just go away – that’s probably the mindset.

It’s annoying as fuck. Lousy, no good, lying, conceited Oikawa.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi looks at Oikawa more than he'd like to admit.


	6. 六

I think what happened today constituted an apology? Oikawa bought me a tray of fried tofu and didn’t take half of it this time to “fill his starving belly.” He caught me writing in this thing the other day after practice and tried to grab it. I took advantage of the situation and smacked him across the face with it, delivering a heavy load of glitter in his stupid hair. He lost his shit trying to get it out, and I just laughed since that was exactly what he deserved.

The tofu was good. We went back to my house afterward (read: he followed me back to my house insisting that I entertain him) and watched some overexcited game shows until my mom came home. She was happy to see him, at least. I made dinner, and Oikawa made a big deal of how good it was, as usual. Funny enough, though, I don’t think he’s ever meaning to mock me when he compliments my cooking. Even though the enthusiasm can be misleading.

When he was getting ready to go, he made some offhanded remark about the whole “gay” thing spreading across the whole school. I tried to ignore it, but all of a sudden he just turned toward me once he had his shoes on, and said, “If you encounter any real trouble, you can put your trust in me.”

It sounded like a joke, and a threat. And that’s what it was. I brushed it off by saying I could handle myself, and told him to get some sleep tonight. Then, just like that, he bounced back to his normal self and waved me good night.

It’s got me thinking, though. Has Oikawa heard people saying things about me…?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _revenge._


	7. 七

Oikawa’s been… really touchy-feely lately. Well, as touchy-feely as Oikawa can be. Usually he just gives slaps on the back, or when they’re huddling during a timeout he leans his elbow on another teammate’s shoulder. Otherwise, he keeps his distance. He doesn’t let any of the girls touch his muscles that they always go goo-goo ga-ga for. He’s not big on hugs, either. The extent to which I’ve had contact with him has just been volleyballs to the back of the head or grabbing him by the collar or…

Damn, I’m usually pretty violent with him. Fuck it, it doesn’t matter, it’s the only way that I can drill any actual sense into him.

But lately, he’s been more touchy-feely. With me, specifically, because I’m sure if he was doing it to the other guys they’d immediately come to me like, “What’s wrong with Oikawa, is he on some medication?” to which I’d reply, “As much as it seems like it, I’m not actually his mother and I wouldn’t know if he was on some new medication.” But that hasn’t happened, so I’m figuring it’s only me.

Taking today for example. We were doing drills at practice, setting and spiking. Every time I was up and I hit the ball, he’d come up to me like he normally does and ask if there’s anything I’d like different, or give me some snarky comment about how I don’t need to try so hard to slam it over the net. Which would be fine.

But his hands would just, wander. You know? He’d slap my back and then his hand would stay there for a second longer than it should. Or he’d ruffle his hand through my hair and complain about how sweaty it was. What did he expect, honestly, that I would be ready to go into a photoshoot or something?

It’s weird. I don’t know what to make of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus _Christ_ , Oikawa, stop being so fucking _**gay.**_
> 
> (Also, thanks for all the comments and kudos thus far! <3)


	8. 八

Oikawa is not an intimate person. He flirts, and he teases, and flaunts his good looks and waves around his charisma like narcissism was the newest fashion trend. His little winks aren’t anything more than formalities; any smile he ever offers is fishing for so many compliments that his breath often smells of bait. He has the depth of a puddle of water on flat cement and the sympathy of a punch to the face.

Anyone who sees him either gushes, or stares, or blushes, or averts their gaze to keep up some bullshit appearance of being demure. He notices every time, because he _always_ notices every single goddamn time, because he’s always looking to see if other people are looking, because he can’t support himself without knowing other people are looking at him with their flushed grins and muffled giggles. And once he notices, then comes the routine.

 _Oh_ , the fucking routine. First comes his lousy swagger, with his hips swaying back and forth like he was a model on a runway. This got other people to look, too, because once he gets going, he wants to drag the whole world with him with a leash in hand. Then comes the little twirl of the volleyball, like he was the captain of the basketball team instead (although with his height, he could be), then the toss into the air before he catches it again. He never messes up the catching part, because he’s practiced it a million times in the locker room, because his idiot self has nothing else to do but practice for some airheaded chicks.

He juts his hip out and leans the ball against it after he’s done flinging it around like a fool. What comes next was always a selection from a peace sign with his free hand; a wink; or a cheeky grin. Sometimes he mixes it up and combines two of the three if he’s really feeling it that day.

After that, he doesn’t need to say much of anything past, “Oh, I’m flattered,” and “Thank you, you’re too kind,” and “Well, it’s because of my team, really,” since all the girls just chatter at him like he was some sort of _celebrity_. Well, in a way, maybe he is a celebrity. Vapid, shallow, obnoxious, petty, egotistical, talented, attractive, extroverted, confident…

The point is, Oikawa’s not the kind of guy that does anything without incredible practice and contemplation, and anything he does always has some underlying meaning to it. And seeing as he hasn’t stopped with the touchy-feely nonsense within the past week and a half, it’s clear that he’s playing at something.

I don’t like jumping to conclusions, especially when it comes to someone’s feelings toward me. It sounds self-centered and obnoxious – basically, I guess, it sounds like when Oikawa teases me and the other players about being jealous of him. But I’m suspicious. It’s hard not to be when someone you’ve known all your life suddenly starts acting all different around you.

I hate to say it, but I’ve been losing sleep over it. It’s been driving me crazy.

Maybe that’s what he wants to happen.


	9. 九

I walked into practice today to find Oikawa Tooru announcing to the team that he was bisexual.

  
I’m not crazy, am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, you're not, Iwa. Oikawa's just a filthy, fickle bisexual.


	10. 十

I confronted him today. I pulled him aside during a break, after I swore his hand went down to the small of my back when he did his last toss for me. He was taken aback by my sudden assertiveness, especially since it wasn’t accompanied by a smack upside the head. I didn’t let him talk at first, since that would’ve just thrown me off. I brought up some good points: the physicality, him recently coming out as bisexual – it’d be stupid for it not to be meaningful. Oikawa’s too smart to just do stuff like that by accident.

And yet, he tried to play it off like that. He whipped up a bowl of hot bullshit right before my eyes and said that just because we were best friends that happened to both be attracted to men, didn’t mean that we _had_ to be attracted to each other. “Of course,” he added, “if you were attracted to me, that’d be a different story.” He had this _look_ , too. It wasn’t an unfamiliar look – it was the kind of look that he gives the ball just seconds before he serves it, like it’s got some secret to hide and he’d be able to crack it open if he hit it the right way.

And goddammit, he was treating me like I was a piñata and he was the birthday boy with a blindfold and a baseball bat. It pissed me the hell off.

I told him to cut the manipulative crap and just say what he means to say, since I don’t have any time to be playing his mind games. The more we argued about it, the more I felt his scrutinizing gaze analyzing my every twitch, tick, and tell. He said I chew the inside of my cheek when I’m lying. I said he’s just full of himself.

I can’t deny, though, that he was dragging it out long enough that I started to sweat just from the emotional exhaustion that came with having such a conversation with him. Which only made me look more suspicious, obviously, which is damn frustrating because _he_ was the one acting suspicious in the first place!

Coach called the team back together to continue practice before we actually finished the conversation. And, oddly enough, he didn’t stay late with me to keep practicing his serves while I cleaned up and put the equipment away.

I don’t trust his bullshit, whatever he’s doing. If he has a thing for me… then he should just go ahead and say he does.

 

I don’t know what I’d do then, though.

 

 


	11. 十一

It’s past 1 AM and Oikawa just walked out the door.

 

He showed up at my house a little past 11, after my mom had already gone to bed. He had enough sense not to ring the doorbell; rather, he just texted me.

 

> I’m outside, open the door.

 

The bastard was lucky I was still up studying for a final. If he’d woken me up while I was sleeping, that would’ve guaranteed a punch in the face. But Oikawa doesn’t have a habit of showing up to my house in the dead of night, so my heart was racing by the time I answered the door.

He kissed me before I could even open my mouth.

I almost fell backwards, but he grabbed the back of my shirt and kept me steady, close to him. He smelled like he’d been running; I figured he probably sprinted from his house to mine, not having the patience to break out his bicycle or wait for a night bus. His lips were chapped and they tasted like milk.

I pulled him into the house and what happened next is kind of a blur. We stumbled up the stairs and Oikawa locked my bedroom door before tackling me onto my bed. I can still feel where he kissed my neck and where his hands ran down my sides and where his breath snaked down my back – I’m hoping I don’t have marks.

We didn’t have sex. I don’t think that’s what Oikawa came over for, since he was the one that pulled away and wiped his lips, staring down at me with a look that was entirely unfamiliar to me.

His eyes were dilated like one of his real smiles, but his lips were parted rather than pulled into a grin. He’d quirked his eyebrows like he was confused, but in context he was more impassioned than anything. I can only imagine what kind of look I had on.

He didn’t say much. I did most of the talking, the questioning, and he just nodded or shook his head. The most concrete thing I got out of him was, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know that I want it.”

Even when it comes to liking somebody, Oikawa Tooru’s a rather selfish guy. He’s just thinking about the fact that _he_ wants it, with little regard to what I might want.

… No, I’m being harsh. It’s not like I was putting up a fight when he kissed me. Hell, I’m the one that dragged him upstairs. And… I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t having vivid fantasies of fucking him right then and there.

I have a test tomorrow. I think I’m gonna just jerk off and go the fuck to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there it is. _there it is. **THERE IT IS.**_


	12. 十二

He was back to flirting with some underclassmen girls during lunch today.

 

I don’t really know what I expected.


	13. 十三

Oikawa pulled me into the locker rooms long after practice was over. His cheeks were flushed from exercise – before he got his hands on me, I told him that he needed to relax so he wouldn’t injure his knee again. He didn’t seem to care. He was too preoccupied with pressing me against the nearest wall and kissing me. We could barely see what we were doing: the only light in the room was filtering in from the narrow windows near the ceiling, and even then it was past dusk. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed down my neck, bit at my collarbone, slid his hands into my shorts and had a nice grab at my ass.

Not that I wasn’t guilty of doing the same thing. Oikawa Tooru has a _very_ nice ass, dare I say without inflating his ego another three sizes.

After a few minutes (or several, or dozens, since I couldn’t tell either way), we broke it off panting against each other. He gave me the same look again that he gave me that night when he came over, all of a sudden, and licked his lips.

He said a lot of things, about how I’m such a good kisser for someone who’s never been in a relationship before. I was tempted to call him on his bullshit, but I figured that Oikawa didn’t need to know every detail of my past sex life the first few weeks into our relationship.

If it could be called that. A lot of our relationship has just been passionate kissing and some undressing on top of the usual stuff we did before. He isn’t coming over to my house more often. He hasn’t even invited me over to his house, and I’m getting the sneaking feeling that it’s not because he’s afraid his parents are gonna react adversely to bringing me home as a boyfriend.

He had a hard-on, but we didn’t bang, again. It would’ve left a bad taste in my mouth, both figuratively and literally. This time he whined about it a little, but not in a way that implied he was trying to guilt me into having sex with him. He was more bemoaning the fact that he had to deal with it when he got home and how boners, in general, were just annoying.

Boners _are_ annoying, but contextually there could’ve been sexier things to say if he wanted to get me into bed.

Wait, so do I wanna sleep with him, or don’t I? Ffffffuck. I’m horny, but I don’t wanna just have sex with him now and then it immediately take a turn for the worse. I don’t think that’s what he wants, either.

For all I know, maybe he just wants attention, and this is how he’s going about getting it.

  
… That’d be really shitty, if that was the case. I’ll ask him tomorrow about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Iwa-chan doesn't know how to process his gay feelings


	14. 十四

So, we had a conversation over text about it. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him during the day, and I had something to do after school, so I couldn’t make practice.

Me

> hey, can i ask you something?

Oikawa

> What’s up, cutie? L(・o・)」

I hate those stupid emojis, and I don’t even know where he’s coming from calling me “cutie,” but I guess it’s an indicator that he isn’t just trying to get into my pants.

Me

> uh. so, when did you start liking me?

Oikawa

> Where’s that question coming from?

What came afterward was a series of backhanded answers that were actually questions that were actually irritating attempts of avoiding the initial question I asked in the first place. For the sake of not reliving this melodramatic bullshit, I’m just going to skip to the part where he actually answered.

Oikawa

> For a while.

> Won’t say how long, though. (｡◝‿◜｡)

Me

> and, you actually like me? this isn’t just because we both happen to be gay?

Oikawa

> I’m bisexual, I’ll have you know.

> I did have a girlfriend, don’t you remember, Iwa?

Me

> yeah, i remember.

> but still, i’m just asking.

> i don’t wanna be toyed around with, since i’ve never been in a committed relationship before, and i don’t want this to turn out poorly for us.

> since we’ve been really close for forever, you know?

He fell silent for a while after that. It didn’t serve to help my anxiety, obviously. I’m still puzzling over why he went quiet. Maybe he was having similar worries, about this relationship damaging our friendship? Or the team? Or maybe, I’m just being an idiot and I’m overthinking it. He could’ve just been busy.

He replied eventually, of course.

Oikawa

> Yes, yes, I do actually like you. (´∀｀)♡

> Don’t get so worked up, it’s not so cute.

> Well, it’s sorta cute.

> You’ve fallen for me that hard already, hm? (｡◝‿◜｡)

Me

> shut up.

> i’ll hit you.

Oikawa

> So mean, Iwa!! ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

> After I just confessed my love for you!

Me

> dumbass.

> that wasn’t a love confession.

Oikawa

> Was, too!

Me

> no.

Oikawa

> Yes!

Me

> no it wasn’t.

**  
** And it went on like that for a while longer before we had a legitimate conversation again. Something still isn’t sitting right with me, but I feel better than before.


	15. 十五

Oikawa came over to my house today. My mom cooked us dinner once she got home from her first job. He had a fun time chattering away about the team and the upcoming matches on which I don’t really go into detail much when it comes to talking to my mom. She’s always busy. I don’t want to burden her with unnecessary details like that, since I get around on my own. She seemed to enjoy Oikawa’s lively company, though.

Dinner was early, since my mom had to hurry to her second job. Oikawa didn’t make any remarks about our financial status – he’s smart enough to know that’s not a subject I want to talk about. I cleaned up the dishes while Oikawa busied himself with not helping me clean up the dishes. I don’t pay attention to everything he does, alright? He was just sitting on the couch minding his own business for once. Playing on his phone, or maybe checking his appearance in the mirror camera. He was biting his nails a bunch: probably nervous, since we were alone. I could easily tell what was on his mind, but I didn’t give him the benefit of bringing it up. If he wants it, then he has to come forward and say what he means.

Alright, maybe I was staring at him. So sue me. I’m his boyfriend.

_His boyfriend_. I’m dating Oikawa Tooru.

Can I call him “Tooru” now?

Would he call me “Hajime”?

_Tooru_. Tooru. Tooru, Tooru, Tooru.

I’ll ask when I see him tomorrow. Or I’ll just start calling him by his first name and make him flustered about it. He’s… cute when he gets worked up like that.

We made a grocery run before the store closed, and Oikawa filled the basket with candy and ice cream and syrup and chips. He’s got one hell of a sweet tooth, I gotta say. And then he complains about how I have more muscle on me than he does.

I told him that he looked cute the way he did. He didn’t talk to me until we’d left the store, and even then he kept his sentences to less than ten words. When I caught a glimpse of his face, his cheeks were bright red. For his sake, I didn’t comment on it. He probably would’ve just turned tail and left, snacks and all.

I tried to get some work done while Oikawa dug out my old PlayStation and the games that went with it. Not the best idea on either of our parts, seeing as the cords to the PlayStation were nested in a tangle of other wires behind the small TV in my room – and by small, I mean 40 centimeters, max. On top of that, the human gastrointestinal system isn’t really the sexiest thing to study when you’re trying to settle into a mood with your boyfriend.

He gave up after about fifteen minutes; or, rather, I made him give up by closing my textbook. I sat on the edge of my bed with the bag of rice chips he bought, and he was practically in my lap in seconds. His face was still flushed around the edges, but he’d twisted his lips into an indignant pout.

I kissed him, and he rolled onto the floor in an embarrassed heap.

For a guy who’s got so much talk, he sure gets embarrassed quickly.

I told him as such, and he responded by smacking my leg hard enough for it to turn red. I nudged him in the stomach with my foot and he complained about how I’m _so mean_.

When he stood up, I kissed him again, this time holding his hands by his waist so he wouldn’t slap me across the face. Funny, the things you don’t expect to say about your significant other.

He fell asleep on my bed around eleven, after we finally got the PlayStation together and gamed ourselves out playing the racing games I used to love when I was younger. I prodded him awake around midnight and sent him on his way back home.

He asked me why he couldn’t stay the night.

I told him that we weren’t kids anymore, and though it was an obviously stupid and sheepish excuse, ~~Oikawa~~ Tooru saved me the trouble of pointing it out.

I’m not sure about letting my guard down like that yet. Sleeping next to him at night.

 

I wonder if he likes being the big spoon, or the little spoon...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, you assholes, stop being so _gay._


	16. 十六

The other players are starting to get suspicious of our relationship, and honestly I don’t blame them. Oikawa and I are rather subtle guys, but because of that almost the entire team can tell when even the smallest thing has changed between any of us. And from what it sounds like, _especially_ when anything has changed between their captain and vice-captain.

Takahiro has been giving me looks during practice, whenever the lineup has us standing next to each other at the net. Before I was able to get in a glance or two at Tooru whenever we were rotating, but now I feel like if I so much as look in his general direction, Takahiro’s gonna be on my ass about it. He gets this little smirk on his face, like, _oh yeah I see you I see what you’re looking at. Got you._

He started ribbing me yesterday after everyone else went home, save for myself and Oikawa.

He kinda sidled up to me and muttered, “So, you and Oikawa, huh?”

Of course, I pretended I didn’t hear him. I should’ve known that would provoke him even more.

“I _knew_ it. You never go home before him now, even when we have a test the next day.”

_Shit_. Looking back on it, he definitely had me there. I’m not a really good liar, but I still tried to play it off as just being more devoted to the team. Takahiro wasn’t convinced, and I don’t blame him for not being so.

He dropped it, but I couldn’t help but think of him when Oikawa knotted his fingers in mine after the sun had set last night, when we were walking home together.

I tried asking Tooru what he thought about it. He didn’t really give me any sort of response. It was more like a bunch of vague hand gestures and a string of words easily summarized in the following four: “ _Don’t worry about it._ ”

It was oddly easy of him to say that, when he’s been more secretive about it than me. Honestly, if he was okay with being out about our relationship, then I would’ve said yes to Takahiro. Even if it meant more playful ribbing for falling for _him_ of all people.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanamaki's got the right idea.


	17. 十七

I asked Tooru out on a date today, since we finally have a weekend off and we haven’t really gone on one yet. I’m not counting the passionate makeouts in the locker room or the dicking around doing nothing at my house as dates. Not that I don’t enjoy his company – well, he can be a real ass sometimes just to spite me – but I expect something a little more out of a relationship, you know? Going out and doing things together that we wouldn’t normally do.

There’s a festival at the local shrine. Tooru made a few comments about how he never expected me to be the religious type, but he seemed happy enough with my choice. There’ll be plenty of food and games to entertain him, and usually there are fireworks at the end. He’ll take pictures. I’ll carry all of the dumb prizes he wins because he can’t drag himself away from those fish-catching or ball-sinking booths. He’ll probably crash at my place, and… after that, well, I’ll just leave that to my imagination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Iwaizumi you dirty bastard._


	18. 十八

I’m so fucking pissed. Really, really fucking pissed. Here I thought that I was gonna have a good time with this goddamn asshole of a boyfriend – if I can even really _call_ him that, seeing how he was acting today.

We arrived at the festival and Oikawa was ecstatic about wearing a yukata he got from his grandmother or something. Admittedly, it was cute to see him all dressed up like that… but that’s far from the point. As soon as we got there, Oikawa caught the gazes of a shitton of girls from our school who _all_ had the _same_ idea of going to the festival this weekend, and soon enough he’d left me behind to go flirt with what seemed like every single fucking girl that was there. He chatted them up and they gushed over everything he said and complimented him on how good he looked in his yukata and offered to buy him food or give him some of their prizes. They invited him to join them for the fireworks viewing, and he barely offered a glance in my direction before running off with them.

It was like I never even existed.

I just wanted to go over there and grab him by the collar and drag him away, like when we were just friends, except I wanted to kiss him too and show all of the girls that he was _taken_ , and even more so, show _him_ that he had an actual _boyfriend_ now that he had to pay attention to rather than preoccupy himself with feeding his massive ego. But it was a lot easier just being his grumpy friend than being his grumpy _boy_ friend. I don’t know how he would’ve reacted to me outting us in front of everyone, and I don’t even know how _I_  would’ve reacted to everyone staring at us. Staring at _me_ because I’m just the incorrigible ape that dared to lay his dirty hands on the oh-so grand King Oikawa Tooru.

I don’t even know what he was playing at. Is he trying to tell me that I’m not appreciating him enough? I’m not complimenting him enough? Am I just not _good_ enough to satisfy his pervasive need to have his ego sucked until it’s ballooned up to the size of the Tokyo Skytree?

_Fuck_ him, in that case. I just fucking left after about an hour because I didn’t feel like wasting my time looking like a tool, wandering around the festival with no one to accompany me.

And fuck _me_ for making the mistake of thinking we could actually have a good time together when we weren’t completely alone. Guess I don’t even matter that much to him.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does it hurt yet
> 
> because i'm in pain rn


	19. 十九

He called me with some bullshit excuse prepared, but I shut him down before he could even start in on it. I told him to stop being such a selfish asshole. I told him to stop pretending that I don’t exist whenever it’s convenient to him. I told him how shitty it felt to be stood up for an orgy of ego fodder on the first date when I was already insecure about his commitment.

… I _wish_ that was what happened. Instead, everything I tried to say dissolved into emotional blubbering and I was glad that we were having this conversation over the phone, because if he’d been there in person it would’ve been embarrassing to start crying in front of him over something so stupid. Even when we lost really big matches, neither of us ever cried about it. Not in front of each other, at least. Hell, I don’t think Oikawa even cried when his girlfriend broke up with him.

That’s why I got so fucking worked up. Because what if that happened? What if I was upset in the relationship and broke it off and he didn’t even care? It didn’t even matter to him in the first place?

I hung up on him a while ago and he hasn’t tried

 

The doorbell just rang.


	20. 二十

I don’t think Tooru ever hugged me so genuinely before.

I was all ready to give him hell when I answered the door, but he grabbed me first. He was still in his yukata but he didn’t have any prizes with him or crap like that. I fell backwards and landed on the floor, but he didn’t even flinch, holding me tight. I managed to mutter that hugs didn’t solve everything, even though in the moment it felt like the only thing I could ever need.

He said he knew that. He said it couldn’t hurt, either, though.

I made dinner for us, and Mom, when she got home. Tooru wasn’t as sociable as he usually was with my mom, and she noticed. She didn’t say anything, though. I think if she did the cat would’ve been so far out of the bag that it would’ve gotten run over by a truck, and then on top of everything else that happened we would’ve had to tell my mom that we’re in a relationship and yes, I’m gay, and yeah, Tooru’s bisexual, and yes, we plan on practicing safe sex even though we _haven’t_ yet at the time.

Yeah, at the time. Last night, I lost my virginity to Oikawa Tooru.

My mom left for her second job and said she’d be back around 2 AM. Tooru helped me wash the dishes, for once. He even asked me where to put them away. This was his way of apologizing, and when I remarked that he was “being such a good little son,” he stuck out his tongue at me and asked if I was his mom. At that point, everything was back to normal. We still need to talk about things, but I didn’t get a chance to. I didn’t really feel the need to when his lips were on mine and his hands were slipping down my back and holding onto my hips.

I grabbed a couple of condoms from my desk before he sat me down on the bed and got on his knees at my feet. Tooru giggled at the fact I even _had_ any, calling me the eternal optimist. I told him I got them when we started dating, and it was his turn to start blushing like mad then. It was incredibly unsexy when he pulled down my pants and found I was wearing briefs, but the look in his eyes when he unrolled the condom over my cock and pressed his lips to the head made up for that. I don’t know where he picked up the skill – and I don’t really want to find out – but within minutes I was close to coming with how his head bobbed up and down so quickly. Tooru didn’t let me come then, and I cursed him out under my breath until he undid his yukata and dropped his boxers.

_Fuck_ , Tooru’s hot with his clothes off. He has a faint happy trail that’s a shade redder than his hair, and the physical toll his jump serves take on him is especially apparent in how toned his legs are. His shoulders are only a bit broader than his hips and he has acne on his chest – probably why he doesn’t like wearing V-necks a lot. He climbed into my lap and pushed me down on the bed, and it was like heaven, feeling his dick rubbing against mine. I reminded him to put on a condom before he got too excited, and he didn’t hesitate for a second.

I was relieved. He wasn’t the type to complain about stupid crap like “it doesn’t feel as good” or insist that he’s clean and that there’s nothing to worry about.

He played with my nipples (which felt surprisingly good, not gonna lie) and ground against me and kissed down my neck. And _then_ he rubbed my cock between his ass cheeks.

I think the rest is pretty much obvious. But fuck me if it wasn’t the most mind blowing orgasm I’ve had in my entire life. Like, screw jerking off in the shower or at my desk with some lotion. That’s got nothing on Tooru.

He stayed the night, and even now he’s sleeping next to me. My mom’s still asleep in her bedroom. It’s probably around 7 AM – I can’t bring myself to go get my phone and check the time for sure.

Funnily enough, he likes being the big spoon. I’m sure I have marks on the back of my neck from his post-coital biting.

I don’t really mind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the rating goes up to E. 
> 
> B)


	21. 二十一

Tooru isn’t the type for romantic dates. Stuff that’s usually in girls’ comics, like going to the movies or eating at restaurants. He likes social events where he can talk to a lot of people, and then later collapse on the couch to marathon some TV show he can lose himself in. He likes reality TV because it doesn’t require a lot of thinking. It mainly serves as background noise as he starts necking me and rubbing my crotch.

I figured all this out when he took me out on a date of his own tastes the other day – some party at the house of some guy that I barely know. I think he’s on the baseball team or something, so I assumed that’s how Oikawa knew him. This time around, he actually took my feelings to heart and tried to include me in some of the conversations he was having.

I mean, I appreciated it, a lot, yeah, but… social events aren’t really my thing. I’m not all that pretty and I’m not all that charismatic or outgoing. A lot of the time I felt kind of like a fungus clinging onto Oikawa, trying to bask in some of his sunshine. Realistically, I know that his conversational partners weren’t really noticing me all that much – they were probably looking to just ignore me – but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being scrutinized. Surrounded by all those people dressed up in party clothes when I was just in jeans and a tee-shirt.

Granted, Tooru said I looked cute just like that. I trust him enough in that, because if I looked _really_ hideous, he would’ve made some sarcastic remark and pulled together a better outfit for me. Then again, I’d rather look hideous than wear an Oikawa-made outfit. He’d put me in one of his pairs of stupid leather pants that cling to his ass too much. Really, they just look downright uncomfortable with how tight they are. And when you get sweaty underneath them? It’s gross as all hell. I hope he doesn’t have a leather kink, because I don’t think I could get hard for that.

I digress. We went to this party, he socialized, and I mainly kept to myself. We went back to his house afterward and he ditched all his clothes as soon as he walked through the door. He likes wearing school-issues sweatpants to bed. What we did at his house was more up my alley: just, you know, cuddling on the couch and watching TV and chatting, without anybody else involved.

And, of course, sex. The sex is really great. He’s so fucking hot when he moans, and when he’s in my lap grinding his hips against me, whispering in my ear how much he wants me inside of him – forget about it. I’ve learned to start taking condoms with me whenever I know I’m gonna see him. I usually keep them in my gym bag, or in my shirt pocket. I read online that it’s really bad to keep them in my wallet, even though that seems like a _perfect_ place to put them. Tooru doesn’t even see condoms as an inconvenience: hell, I think he even likes it when I ask him to wait a moment so I can get out one. I guess he sees it as a confirmation of sorts, like _yes we’re having sex I’m gonna have a dick up my ass oh hell yes_. It’s endearing; in a weird, vaguely hot way.

Where was I going with this? The party. I don’t mind going to parties and other social events like that with him, and it’s a lot easier to deal with when he’s trying to include me, but. I’m not an extrovert. It’s exhausting, being crowded all the time and feeling like I don’t belong when I just want to be with Oikawa, and _not_ be in a situation that almost always leads to sex. It’s not that I don’t like sex, I just. Want something more than just sex. Especially since he’s my first _real_ sexual partner. I’m not counting that one time at training camp I

**  
**You know what this sounds like an _awesome_ place to end this entry. Yep.


	22. 二十二

I asked out Tooru on another date today. I think this one’s gonna go a lot better than the last idea I proposed. The team is having a dinner later this week and I figured that was right up his alley, what with the socializing and such. But I’ll be more comfortable hanging with Takahiro and Matsukawa, even though I’m sure it’ll be nothing but ribbing.

I eventually told Hanamaki since he wasn’t going to get off my ass about it. He was already convinced, so what was the harm in telling him? Tooru didn’t seem to care all that much. He said something along the lines of: “If _Makki_ is so _lonely_ that he can’t help but involve himself in _every aspect_ of my love life, who am _I_ to judge?” Insert here vivid imagery of Oikawa striking a pose that could put him on the cover of Vogue.

Either way, Takahiro was pretty tickled by the fact that I actually told him.

Takahiro

> omg.

> have you started taking stupid pictures together.

> can i see.

Me

> more like he just takes my phone and fills it up with pictures of himself.

> and then he slaps a bunch of filters onto them and sends them to his phone to upload later or something.

Takahiro

> thats hilarious.

> do you do dumb couple shit.

> have you fucked yet.

Me

> oh, would you look at the time?

> i have something scheduled right now.

> it’s telling you to mind your own business.

Takahiro

> omg you have.

> who tops.

Me

> none of your business!!

> god.

> with all of this i might start thinking _you’re_ gay, too.

Takahiro

> the team can barely handle how gay you guys are, lol.

> no 1 else should come out until you guys graduate.

I’m entirely convinced that his little “lol” was some sarcastic bullshit. I can’t envision Takahiro laughing at a joke he made about homosexuality. Hell, I can’t even envision Takahiro laughing aloud on his own, really. He’s not an expressive guy.

Takahiro

> srsly though.

> i have money on this.

Me

> … do you really?

Takahiro

> no.

> but you could rig a hypothetical bet in my favor if you told me b4 everyone else.

Me

> i’m not telling you.

And of course, when I tell Takahiro anything of importance, Matsukawa always knows within the next half hour, as well. I think they’ve kept their mouths shut about it so far to the rest of the team, but you can never really know how perceptive the underclassmen are. They can either be dense as lead or sharp as a knife, and there’s not much in between. Oikawa originally coined that idea as a quip about how oblivious I can be toward everything.

Kind of ironic that King Observation is so oblivious to how much I _do_ notice. It’s just about the stuff that matters. I don’t need to notice every tick and twitch of the opposing team’s setter, because he’s already got that covered. I don’t need to read into some inane conversation with Takahiro, because from the long ramble Tooru went on about how Takahiro and Matsukawa were _totally_ an item, he’s already got that covered.

I just need to notice the things Tooru _doesn’t_ have covered. Namely, just himself.

Anyway, the dinner’s at a burger joint a couple of stations away from the school. Coach made the reservations and everything. It should be fun. And for afterward, I’m thinking of taking him back to my place to watch a movie, or something.

_Actually_ watch a movie. I’m going to rent something for actual money to make sure I don’t waste the time making out with him on the couch. Even though making out with him is nice. Really nice.

… Christ, when did I start getting so _horny?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hanamaki wants to see all of those stupid selfies.
> 
> (I bet when Iwa and Oikawa actually come out, Oikawa's going to do _nothing_ but send Snaps of himself while Iwaizumi is sleeping or otherwise not paying attention.)


	23. 二十三

I feel on top of the world today. Yesterday went really well. I think we’re getting to find a balance between social events and personal time, although I still could do with more of the latter. Nevertheless, I had a lot of fun.

Everyone chattered away all through dinner, even when their mouths were filled with burger meat and salty fries. Even Kunimi and Kindaichi warmed up a bit. The waiters put on the big league volleyball game that was in progress at the time, and we all got pumped rooting for both teams. I feel kind of bad for ordering so much food, seeing that Coach was paying… then again, though, Tooru spent the most. He got three milkshakes before even ordering his burger: one vanilla, one strawberry, one chocolate. “I want to see which one is the best!” was all he had to say in his defense. I just got a cheeseburger with extra onions – something about which he complained the paint off the walls later. He’s always hated anything with onion or garlic.

It didn’t stop him from kissing me as soon as we left, though.

We didn’t come out at dinner, obviously, but Takahiro and Matsukawa were giving me side-eyes the entire time. Tooru kept snaking his hand up my thigh and leaning his head on my shoulder during dinner and I had to smack him away. Takahiro was fucking _tickled_ , and I figured that was part of why Tooru was doing it. Because he loves the attention. And he also loves embarrassing me. I mean, if we were out, I wouldn’t _mind_ the PDA… but as of now, I don’t know if Tooru _wants_ to come out, or if he’s just seeing how far he can take things without having people find out.

Or maybe he just wants to let the word get around. Or maybe he just wants it to stay an unconfirmed rumor. _Aargh_ , this is making my head hurt. I can hear Oikawa teasing me, saying I shouldn’t think so hard or I’ll hurt myself. It’s _his_ fault I’m thinking so much about it, though. He should just tell me what he wants to do, and then there wouldn’t be any confusion. I’ll talk to him about it sometime soon, maybe when we go out next.

But that’s later. Back to the date.

We left earlier than everyone else so we could catch the train and have some time to ourselves. There weren’t any seats, but as I held onto one of the overhead handles, Tooru rested his head against my shoulder and stayed there the whole time. He was tired, up until the moment I locked the door behind us. Then, he was bouncing off the walls asking me what we were gonna do. Were we gonna watch a movie? Were we gonna mooch out on popcorn? Were we gonna sit through the end credits just to see if there was an extra scene at the end? Were we gonna have eye-popping, heart-throbbing, body-shocking sex? I said, “All of the above,” and he jumped into the kitchen and grabbed three bags of microwaveable popcorn.

I shouldn’t have said “all of the above,” seeing as we didn’t manage to get halfway through the movie before we were making out. Tooru isn’t even to blame, though; _I’m_ the one that started kissing down his neck. The rental only cost 500¥, what did I care? He was sitting there and his lips were shiny with artificial butter flavoring and I could see under the hood of his sweatshirt that the hickeys from last time were already fading. And since he’s so vain, he always uses a bunch of products to keep all the skin from the collarbone up looking near-perfect.

In my opinion, though, the parts of him that have some acne and reddish hair are more attractive. Flawed, in a sexy way. It makes him more real, like I’m not having sex with a god or something. He brushes off my compliments as obvious statements, even though he’s just fronting to hide the fact he doesn’t like every part about himself, even though he really should. Except for the smug, self-absorbed part about him. That part I could do without, hehehe.

Tooru likes to grab onto my hair and pull on it, and I can’t find it in me to not enjoy the feeling of his fingernails digging into my scalp. When we were making out, he climbed into my lap with such ease and wrapped his legs around my hips. He squeaked when I picked him up, pressed the power button to the DVD player with my big toe, and brought him upstairs to my bedroom. He commented that this is the second context in which he’s learned to appreciate how strong I am – first one being volleyball, of course. I kept telling him to stop wiggling in my grip or else I’d drop him.

I fucked him from behind, and I swear he chipped at the wall from how hard he was gripping onto the headboard and slamming it over and over again. I left scratches down his back that were still visible this morning. He had to do the walk of shame this morning as we were heading to school together. I wonder how he’s faring now. Maybe he’s thinking about the same thing…

Crap, I gotta stop writing in this damn journal during class. I don’t wanna start popping a boner at school and have to deal with the inevitable humiliation that would soon follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're reading the diary of a teenage boy, why _wouldn't_ there be trashy sex fantasies?
> 
> ((Wow though this fic is getting a lot of attention, thank you all so much for reading and kudos-ing and commenting, it's really awesome! <333))


	24. 二十四

I’m pretty sure my mom has figured out that me and Oikawa are a thing. I haven’t gone out to buy condoms in a while, but I feel like whenever I take a couple for the day, more soon take their place. Oh, god, I’m really not sure though. Is it weird to use condoms your mother bought you!? When is she even putting them in there!? Oh, _fuck_ , has she ever heard us having _sex!?!?_

Fuck, no, that’d be really weird. Maybe Oikawa’s putting them there. I’m gonna text him and ask.

Okay, this is the response I got:

Oikawa

> Duh~

> We usually bang at your house, so why wouldn’t I keep my stash there? (・ω<)

Me

> but, like, you don’t buy the ribbed condoms.

> there are ribbed condoms in my desk drawer.

Oikawa

> …

> I don’t want to use condoms your mom bought us, Iwa.

Me

> me neither!!

> but they’re also free condoms???

Oikawa

> I am not thinking about Iwa’s mom while sucking her son’s cute erection.

Me

> … my erection is not cute by any means.

Oikawa

> Sure it is! (｡◝‿◜｡)

> You’re thick, but you’re not that long, so it fits so perfectly in my mouth…

Me

> we’re never having sex again if you finish that thought, trashy oikawa.

Oikawa

> Iwa! ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡ So mean!!!

 

Me

> what do i do with the condoms.

Oikawa

> Give them to Makki or something!

> He’ll never know the difference.

So, what, I should just hand them to him like “here you go, have a bunch of condoms that you may or may not use, I don’t want to know if you do or not, just have them and never ask me why I’m giving them to you”??? God, why does this have to be so awkward. Why did my mom have to make this so awkward. Why couldn’t she just _ask_ me like a normal person if me and Oikawa were dating?

Well, that would’ve been pretty awkward, too. It’s an awkward situation. But I guess this means she’s okay with it, if she’s encouraging me to have sex? Safe sex, specifically? That’s a good sign, right?

_… Right?_


	25. 二十五

Tooru and I got lunch together with Takahiro and Matsukawa. Finally, I felt more at ease, since both of them knew about us, and I’m certain Tooru’s fine with that fact. Well, I wasn’t certain before today, but since Tooru was cracking jokes and teasing me about how cuddly I get in the evening, I’m sure now that everything’s okay.

It wasn’t mean spirited, his jokes. I was doing the same sort of thing, laughing about how loud he squawks when I pinch his ass. He put on his pouty face and complained about how _abrasive_ I was, and how I just _couldn’t_ keep my hands to myself. I told him that I only do it because 1) he makes such a big deal out of it, and 2) he’s got a cute ass. I couldn’t say that second part without my face going red.

Matsukawa was howling. Tooru covered his face and dropped his smoothie out of embarrassment. Takahiro got a good kick out of it, too, and made a few remarks about how it’s pretty obvious who wears the pants in the relationship. “If we’re doing it right, though,” I said in response, “no one is wearing pants.” I started laughing at my own joke, and holy _shit_ Tooru was blushing. Pretty sure I have bruises on my left arm because he was smacking me, demanding I go buy him another drink to make up for my “stupid lascivious jesting.”

That was such a good line, though. I’m glad I got to write it down here.

Anyway, we’re starting to loosen up, Tooru and I. I’m finding it easier to relax around him now that the whole “new relationship” feeling is starting to wear off. I did manage to ask him after lunch, though, what he thought about coming out to the team. After a few quips about how it was _so cute_ I wanted to kiss him _all over_ in front of _everyone_ to establish dominance, he said that he didn’t mind either way.

I feel the same, I guess. I mean, it is what it is, you know? And it’s not like the entire team needs to stay updated on every detail of their captain and vice-captain’s love lives. If the question arises, then I’ll answer in honesty. If it doesn’t, then I won’t go out of my way to bring it up.

It’d still be really funny if I could slap Tooru’s ass during practice and make him yelp, though. Maybe I could get away with that as payback for his teasing.

 


	26. 二十六

I’ve been thinking about getting a job lately. I do babysitting now and then, which brings in a fair amount of income in bursts, but it’d be nice to have a steady money source that isn’t my mom or Oikawa. He never makes comments if I ask him to help pay for lunch or something, but I don’t like borrowing off of him so often. There are a couple of restaurants nearby that are hiring waitstaff, so I might look there. I’ve already decided that I’m _not_ going to take Tooru’s suggestions of going into stripping or modeling, because not only is the first one illegal but I’m not the kind of guy for which people look when thinking of models. And I’m fine with that. I don’t need people staring at my photograph for hours on end, making scrutinizing edits on a computer, or staring at me for hours on end, drawing me or something.

That’d be more up Oikawa’s alley. He doesn’t have as much muscle as I do, but that’s just what makes him prettier: he has enough definition to overcome any mass from fat, and he has such shapely, slender legs that I could just… kiss up and down, day in and day out. His hands are really nice, too. They’re bigger than mine and his thumbs aren’t weirdly short like mine. He doesn’t have a lot of hair on his body and I’m starting to think he shaves or waxes it off. Like, it’s _impossible_ for him to naturally have no hair on his ass. Everyone has ass hair, especially guys.

… Oh _god_ , what if he shaves his ass? How do you even shave your ass? Do you just bend over and hope for the best, or do you stand in front of a mirror…? Fuck, I do _not_ want to think of the kind of pain that might come from a razor cut on your asshole. Let alone what it’d be like to _wax_ your asshole.

Either way. As I was saying, Oikawa doesn’t have a lot of hair. All that he has is some fuzz on his arms, and that happy trail I could drag my lips down until his skin turned red. I’m _not_ that bad looking, it’s just in comparison to him. We’re two different kinds of attractive. He’s the kind of attractive that looks good in pictures, on an aesthetic level. I’m the kind of attractive that, for some reason, entices _his_ kind of attractive.

He likes my biceps; that much I know. Whenever we’re making out, Tooru throws his arms around my neck and smooths his hands down my arms, squeezing them every now and then. I don’t think he minds my body hair. It’s wiry, to the point where I don’t really see any hope in doing anything more than trimming it from time to time and keeping it clean. So, I mean, if he hasn’t complained about it, I don’t have anything to worry about, right? If Tooru had a problem, he’d make some offhanded remarks about how I’m hairy as an ape, or something.

Fuck, you know, Tooru isn’t _that_ mean to me. On the contrary, whenever we’re making out or having sex, he’s all over me and whispering about how hot I am and how much he loves my body and whatnot. He does, he _does_ tell me that I’m attractive. He’s never called me an ape, and he won’t. I’m doing this to myself, goddammit. Tooru likes me. He _does_. He likes looking at me. He doesn’t close his eyes while we have sex so he can’t see me.

I need to snap out of this. It’s bugging me out.


	27. 二十七

In a shitty mood today. I got back some test scores and they weren’t so great, and on top of that I have to clean the house and make dinner tonight because my mom’s working late again. I don’t mind picking up on the chores, since I live there and everything, but it’s just that and the test scores and all the shitty stuff I was thinking about yesterday, about attractiveness and whatever. I wish I could just let go of it, but it’s bothering me like hell. Tooru noticed that I wasn’t feeling well today and tried to pester me about it, and I snapped at him. Which, in turn, made me feel worse because none of my anger is his fault, anyway. He was just trying to check up on me.

_Ugh_. I feel like absolute shit. I’m not even gonna get reprieve after school because we don’t have practice today. And I really, _really_ don’t want Oikawa to come home with me because I don’t want to lose my temper again. I don’t want to threaten our relationship over one bad day.

Fuck, you know, it was easier being friends. One bad day didn’t mean I suddenly didn’t like him anymore. Just because I yelled at him for being stupid or because he made dumb comments about me, didn’t mean we weren’t friends anymore. It’s not the same for relationships. There’s more emotional effort in relationships, and it shouldn’t be hard. It should just _be_. And it’s really not _being_ right now. Of course, that only stresses me out more.

I feel like curling up in bed and doing nothing for a while. Nothing at all.

 


	28. 二十八

Tooru’s presence helped me out more than I thought it would.

He followed me home and I kept my mouth shut because 1) I didn’t want to say anything stupid, and 2) the fact that he was still around me meant he wasn’t mad at me, so that was comforting in and of itself. Once we got through the door, I dropped my bag and flopped on the couch face-first. Tooru sat next to me, and then he started giving me a backrub.

_What the hell?_ was my first thought. I voiced it as such, but Tooru just sat on my legs and ran his hands up and down my back. He kneaded my neck, my shoulders, and my arms. I gotta wonder even now where he learned how to do that, but it felt like the one thing I needed more than anything else in the moment. It was like his hands were made to massage, and when I said so, Tooru’s face flushed pink. For someone who’s so narcissistic, when it comes to me giving him compliments, he gets so bashful about it.

It’s endearing. I guess it means that compliments from me matter more to him.

He didn’t help me clean the house, but he did put on some music. As I swept the floors, he hummed to the lyrics and started on his homework – a sight oddly unfamiliar to me, since he does so well in school. From what I can tell, he stays up too late at night finishing his homework while watching volleyball games on his TV, and then fixes his mistakes the next morning during homeroom. It’s bad for him and he knows it’s bad for him. That’s why he honors my order for him to get some rest the night before a game, even though he teases me about acting like his mother.

Once I was done with cleaning, I went to make dinner. Taking out my shitty emotions on dust bunnies served to improve my mood. Tooru joined me in the kitchen, and… how do I describe it? He was getting in the way on purpose, but only for the sake of holding me from behind and pressing his lips to the back of my neck. I’d stand at the stove and stir the vegetables in the fry pan, and he’d just wrap his arms around me and let us sway back and forth. I don’t know if it was because of his body heat or the furious blush on my cheeks or the steam rising from the pots, but I was boiling within minutes. He giggled at how flustered I was getting, and I kicked him out of the kitchen so I could focus.

My mom came home at around 7, and _that_ was awkward. I didn’t know whether to jump up from the couch where Oikawa and I were cuddling or stand up like everything was normal, like it was just a matter of fact. I fell to the floor in my haste like the elegant asshole I am. She snorted into her stir fry later, though, so we’re even. She didn’t say anything that sounded like she was suspicious, so I’m hoping that means she knows and she doesn’t mind.

I don’t want to bring it up on my own, though. Historically, my mom hasn’t been the most open-minded of people, so if it’s not certain that she knows, I’m not gonna rock the boat.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These _nerds._


	29. 二十九

I started looking into a job at the local diner today, and to my luck they’re hiring people that don’t have experience and can only work part-time. It’d pay around 800¥ an hour, and I could work on the days I don’t have practice after school. The hiring manager I talked to said if I stick around until dinnertime, I could get a free meal before I leave. I’m nervous about losing free time, though: I do need to focus on studying, and with this relationship with Oikawa… I don’t even know what less time together could do at this point.

And then, we have college entrance exams coming up. I don’t even know where I want to apply, yet. Maybe I’ll go to the community college nearby, since it’s less expensive and I could commute there? Then it’d be easier to have a steady job, and maybe move into my own apartment. The real dream, though, would be to go to Tsukuba. Their volleyball team is famous, and their physical education program is highly regarded… I could study to become a teacher, or something. Maybe a personal trainer? That’s something Tooru mentioned in passing the other day. I don’t really know if he was joking or not, but even if he was, I wouldn’t throw away the idea. It could be cool.

And don’t take this as an added reason as to why I should spend an exorbitant amount of money going to Tsukuba University, but Tooru wants to go there, too. I can imagine us dorming together there, sharing a bed as often as we wanted to, taking some classes together, entering this new stage of our lives, together. Being on the volleyball team throughout college. It’d be fitting, since we’ve been around each other longer than I can remember, at least.

It’s just. I don’t know. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and start thinking about a long-term relationship with Oikawa when we’re only in our third year of high school. I mean, being honest with myself – I could do that. Be in a long-term relationship with him, even though he can be a total dolt. But another part of me wants to have different experiences with different people. I don’t know whether to stick with the familiar or put myself out there, or find some mixture of both, and I don’t know what _Tooru_ wants, or if he’s even _thinking_ about the future right now, and.

Ugh, I’m getting a headache. I don’t wanna think about this. It’s only stressing me out more.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ごめんごめん、遅すぎる。。。  
> アニメネクストに行ったんです (ノД`)・゜・。
> 
> This is a few days late, I was at AnimeNEXT all weekend and didn't have internet! Despite that, though, enjoy this chapter B)


	30. 三十

Holy _fuck_. Okay, I know I’m a horny bastard, but I need to talk about this.

 

So I was stressed the other day, right? About getting a job and college and shit. Obviously, Tooru picked up on it, since I didn’t sleep well that night and when he showed up at my house to walk with me to school, I was still curled up in my boxers under the covers. To my luck, he didn’t really ask about it, probably because he figured I didn’t want to go into an interrogation session where I bawled my eyes out about the future and my stupid worries about being left behind. And I’m going to stop talking about that now, because I’m actually in a good mood now and I don’t wanna fall back into that depressive bullshit.

Anyway, he bought me lunch later that day and kept checking up on me, in his own way. Mainly by poking me every few minutes and asking me about some classwork question, or if I saw this news story the other day, or if I heard that Kindaichi saw Makki and Mattsun holding _hands_ after practice. It was all stuff to keep me distracted from my own brain, and it… really helped.

But that’s not even the best part. He invited me back to his place that evening, and we had some _really_ good sex. Like, better than ever before. My face is turning red just thinking about it right now.

We bought some dinner on the way home and took it up to his room to eat. Old habits die hard, but I sat right down at his desk and started working on some homework while eating my sandwich. For some reason I expected Oikawa to just mind his own business like he usually did when I was studying, but before I could even take a bite of my food he was draping himself over my shoulders and kissing up my neck. And when he bit on the lobe of my ear and told me to come to his bed with him… _shit_ , I couldn’t think of anything more important than doing exactly that.

He was already shirtless and his jeans were already unbuttoned and halfway down his hips. I wanted to just yank them to the floor and suck him off right there, but he beat me to it. Before I could push him onto the bed, Tooru sat me down and kissed down my thighs. His lips are so soft. I can still feel his fingers massaging my hips as he swallowed me down and urged me to pull on his hair and voice how good it felt…

Then he climbed into my lap and I let him push my shoulders onto the bed. His breath was so hot on my neck and it’s the hottest thing when he asks me to get the lube and start fingering him. His mouth curls into this needy little pout, and he squints his eyes a bit, like, “ _Please_ , Iwaizumi, I _need_ you.” His words, not mine, okay? It was pretty blush-inducing to hear him talk like that. I’m not used to his thing for dirty talk yet. He hasn’t tried pushing it or anything, but sometimes when he grinds against me and pulls at the collar of my shirt, he starts going off on how much he wants to feel my cock inside of him, how much he wants me to fuck his mouth and treat him like he’s my whore.

I mean, it’s hot. Really, it is. I like it. I just have to get used to the idea of calling someone a whore in bed. My mom raised me to not use words like that against people. She always said, “If you want to insult someone, call them an asshole. People can like dicks or cunts or bastards or whores. Nobody likes an asshole.”

 

Well, I guess I can’t really say that so much anymore, since Oikawa’s asshole is actually pretty nice. Can an asshole be “nice?” Kind of an oxymoron, on multiple levels. Whatever – semantics.

 

After I was done fingering him, he rode my cock and clung onto me like I was saving his life. I have scratches all over my back; I saw them in the mirror this morning. And holy _shit_ does he bite. I have hickeys too, and I’m gonna need to go buy something to cover them up for practice. We may be (sort of???) out to the team, but I don’t want _everyone_ knowing that we’re having lots of mind-blowing sex every week. Like, the _shit_ that would come from that. Right now, I’m thinking back to the trashy drawing of Oikawa and I from a few months ago. That would be _nothing_ compared to the nonstop ribbing I’d have to endure from Takahiro and Matsukawa.

And, of course, Tooru would get none of it. He’d be laughing his ass off like, “Yep! I left all those marks! Aren’t they _nice_ , Iwa?” and I’d just have to vacate the premises with my ears burning like firewood.

Speaking of not thinking about that though, it was just. A relief? A distraction? Something pleasurable to get my mind off future stuff. We didn’t need to have a conversation about it: we just needed to be together, hang out and joke about stuff that won’t really matter in the long run. In cases like this… I think that’s really the best thing for us. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has turned me into a busy bee, how about Iwa ranting about what a good love Oikawa is? B)


	31. 三十一

Today my mom asked me where I wanted to go for university. It was an inevitable conversation, since I’ve been pulling more all-nighters lately to cover more material for the entrance exam next month. I haven’t bothered with cram school since it’s always been an expensive load of bull, anyway – I wouldn’t do anything there that I couldn’t do at home, for free. She said the bags under my eyes were getting darker and just because I turned off my light as soon as she pulled into the driveway didn’t mean that she thought I was asleep at 2 AM.

I was honest with her: I’ve been considering Tsukuba University’s P.E. program. I’ve looked at the community colleges nearby, and none of them appeal to me. I’d still commute from home, and as much as I love my mom… I need to get out of the house and go somewhere. Simultaneously, though, I don’t want to put _more_ financial stress on her than what’s necessary. I’d be fine going to a community school if we _really_ couldn’t pay for Tsukuba, but I’ve been studying so hard so I could possibly get a scholarship. That’d be the goal, really. If Tsukuba gave me a little aid, and I applied for some aid from the government, I could at least get my tuition covered, and I’d work for the room and board.

I was afraid she was going to shut me down completely, but she said the exact opposite. She wants me to go for it, if that’s my dream. She said she’d never complain about it, not even for a second. And then she hugged me, and said she was proud of me… all that motherly stuff that makes you cry, even if you don’t cry usually.

Her support made me realize – I really, _really_ want this. If I went to a good university, and got a good job, I could support my mom and move her into a bigger place. I could live in the city, maybe. It’d be incredible.

I haven’t told Tooru about my plans yet, mainly because he hasn’t really asked about it. I’m guessing that he thinks I don’t want to talk about it, and he’s right: I’m nervous he’s gonna get scared off by me wanting to go to university with him, and dorm with him. He’s skittish like that. I mean, you’d think he’d be all for it, especially with how good our relationship has been as of late. But a big part of me is still ambiguous about it.

Oikawa still flirts with other people, even after that incident at the festival. He lets the fangirls flock around him and he caresses their cheeks like he’s some employee at a male host club or something. It never borders on intimate, but the fact that he still does it, even when I’m _right there_ , bothers the hell out of me. Am I just being too jealous? Possessive? He doesn’t really mean anything by it, it’s just how he acts. He likes the attention that he gets, and to him it’s all superficial. It’s not like any of those girls know anything about him: he’s just pretty and charismatic and he gives them more attention than they deserve. They don’t know his weaknesses, or his fears, or his insecurities, or his flaws. They probably wouldn’t like him anymore if they knew all that, because all they want is some perfect pretty boy to fawn over them for a few moments so they can feel like they matter in his life.

Ugh, I’m being mean. It’s none of my business whether Oikawa flirts with girls or girls flirt with Oikawa. He always keeps them at a distance, anyway. I’m overthinking this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a while
> 
> Sorry for the sudden short hiatus, I've been really busy lately. Plenty more updates are on the horizon, though – and I hope you all enjoy every single one of them <3


	32. 三十二

I’ve come to realize that I’m not nearly as okay with Oikawa flirting with guys as I am with him flirting with girls.

Maybe I should put some context to this. We had a practice match against Nekoma today. It’s always interesting, going up against them, since their defense is so tight and that setter they have is more than on par with Oikawa, if he actually applied himself a bit more. We beat them 2-1, but it definitely wasn’t a shoo-in. It’s what we really needed, since in Miyagi there are only so many high schools we can practice with and actually gain any experience from it. Recently, going up against local schools, we’ve just been the teachers and the other teams have been the students. We’re not rivals. And Oikawa’s too set on his rivalry with Ushijima to dare request a practice match with Shiratorizawa. It’s a load of stupid bullshit, since they’re the team to beat, but I know full well that a practice match could easily backfire.

Still, I enjoyed myself. The guy with the mohawk (Yamamoto, I think?) has one hell of a spike. He’s good competition as a fellow ace.

But. I feel like I’ve been saying a lot of “but”s lately? But, the captain of Nekoma, Kuroo. He and Oikawa have something going on, and I have no idea what to make of it. I’m gonna try to explain to the best of my abilities and hope I don’t come across as a possessive jackass.

During the match, Oikawa and Kuroo were neck-in-neck in terms of serving and blocking. Oikawa’s got one hell of a serve, and Kuroo one hell of a block, but up against each other, it was like they kept passing off the baton of serving and blocking skills. Watching each other’s every move, even when neither of them were key players in a particular play. Even during timeouts and breaks, they were exchanging glances.

And then after the match, after we exchanged formalities and headed back to Coach for a roundup, Oikawa lingered around Kuroo. Usually Oikawa does this intimidation thing where he chats with the captains of other teams. To any passersby, he’ll look friendly and charismatic like he always does, because passersby don’t pay attention when it comes to him. To the person on the receiving end of his casual conversation, he’s terrifying. He won’t break eye contact for more than a moment and his victorious smirk won’t falter for even a second. He dissects every weak point a captain may have about his team and passes it off as something that’s obvious to everybody, but the captain was just dense, oblivious, stupid. He makes people feel small and incompetent.

It’s Oikawa’s way of scaring the competition, but also offering some solid advice. With the right captain, all of his comments only serve to strengthen the team in question. Any captains that get scared off are too weak in the first place to make any substantial improvements – that’s how he views it. To each his own, I suppose. I know he’s got good intentions; he just has a hilariously shitty personality to back it.

His conversation with Kuroo had none of this, though. There wasn’t a hint of his intimidating aura to be found: as a matter of fact, he was getting pretty… physical with his chat. Little things, like flicking Kuroo’s shoulder, or tugging at his jersey. Shifting his weight from one leg to the other, as he likes to do with me when he wants to show off his hips. I couldn’t tell how Kuroo was receiving this – he was facing away from me – but Oikawa got his phone number.

They were texting the entire bus ride back to Miyagi. Oikawa was giggling at his phone every now and then, showing me stupid pictures that Kuroo sent him. It pissed me off, and I’m sure that Oikawa noticed, but he didn’t say anything about it. After an hour or so he got the picture that I didn’t want to know about his conversations. After an hour and ten minutes I realized that _not_ knowing what he was saying was a lot more stressful than analyzing what I _did_ know.

Most of all, Kuroo touched his shoulder. And I know for a fact that Oikawa doesn’t allow people to touch him that aren’t on his team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW TALK ABOUT LATE 
> 
> AT LEAST I'M BACK FROM CANADA THOUGH??
> 
> More frequent updates to come from now on, along with a crapload of other fics you can read on my profile //nervous laughter
> 
> ~~I also caught up with the manga recently, can you tell~~


	33. 三十三

So I looked up a couple of articles today – “How to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you.” They didn’t yield much results, since they were all centered around straight relationships, assuming I’m just some insecure girl who doesn’t trust her own judgment… when I’m really just some insecure _guy_ who doesn’t trust _his_ own judgment. None of the tips would even apply to Oikawa, anyway. One was, “Flirts in front of you” – he’s always done that, whether he’s been in a relationship or not. His ex-girlfriend wasn’t one of his fans, anyway.

Another one was, “Seems more distant.” That hasn’t changed, he’s still affectionate toward me, as always. I’ve warmed up to him giving me kisses on the cheek as he passes by me after practice. None of the underclassmen have asked about it, but I’m sure they know. I’m pretty okay with that.

The next was, “Makes excuses to get out of dates; seems more busy, and without reasonable explanation.” None of that is true! We have a date tomorrow, since we don’t practice on Mondays. We’re planning on going out for dinner and going for a walk in the park. His idea, not mine, too. So I’m still at square one. Tooru’s still attentive, almost to an annoying degree. Sometimes if it’s just me, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki in the club room, he’ll start blabbing about how he wants a blowjob. Obviously, this earns me a shitload of sideways glances and poorly stifled laughter. I think he does it just to get on my nerves, since he’s always talking about how “cute” I look when I’m embarrassed.

Maybe I’ll casually mention it tomorrow. I’ll be subtle, ask something like, “So are you still texting Kuroo?” and leave it at that. No, “What do you talk about?” or anything. If he wants to go into it, then I’ll let him, but I’m not gonna pry. He’ll get suspicious if I pry. And that might just push him further away.


	34. 三十四

Oikawa cancelled last minute because “something came up.” I’m freaking out.

 

 


	35. 三十五

After a serious amount of consideration, I decided to call Hanamaki and Matsukawa earlier this evening. Even though they haven’t known Oikawa as long as I have, I figured that they would be able to offer some semblance of an outside perspective. Maybe shed some light on the situation, you know?

All that got done was me showing them a series of increasingly embarrassing text messages between us, and them telling me that it didn’t seem like Oikawa had any less interest in me than before – “Hell,” to quote Matsukawa, “I’m pretty sure the guy might be downright obsessed with you.” Which was… well, which was flattering, at least. It looks to everyone else that he’s still interested in me.

I’m still hung up over him cancelling, though. He didn’t offer any explanation, and he didn’t even contact me for a few hours after he sent the text saying he was busy. I don’t want him to think that I’m a controlling boyfriend who doesn’t trust him, but… insecurities like this aren’t normal, right? I’m caught between wondering if I’m overreacting or if there’s an actual basis to my concerns.

If it’s the former and everything’s fine, then that’s something that I need to work on, with my feeling that I’m not good enough for him, that he’s going to leave me for someone else. Reasonably, I _know_ that I’m good enough for him. Like Matsukawa said, he’s _head over heels_ for me, for some litany of reasons that he doesn’t go into much detail about. Just that I care about him and I have a cute face, even though I “can be so _violent_ sometimes.”

Oh, fuck. What if that’s it? What if he’s always had a problem with me doing dumb shit like that, and it’s even worse now that we’re in a committed relationship? Do other people think it’s abusive? Oh fuck oh fuck oh _fuck_ I don’t want to be an abuser I don’t want to do that that is the absolute _last_ thing I’d ever want to do. I like him so much. He’s my friend and my partner and an asshole but he’s not a victim. He wouldn’t let that happen. He’s gotta be okay. We’ve always been like this and he just makes comments like that to joke about it.

But there’s always truth to his comments. There _always_ is. I’ve said it before – if he had a problem with my body hair, he’d make a joke about me looking like a hairy ape. He wouldn’t think that I’m _actually_ a hairy ape, or even think it’s that much of a problem, but he’d make a comment upon it to give me an inkling: “trim your pubes,” or something like that. And when he jokes about the players of other volleyball teams, especially Kageyama. There’s always some truth to the things he says, because that’s just his backhanded way of pointing out flaws and driving people to be better. Not only for him, but for themselves.

 

I need to talk to him. I need to call him. I need to call him right now.

 

He didn’t answer. I’m calling him again now.

 

Still no answer. I’m trying one more time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a sneak peek into my writing process, I shall direct you [here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk)
> 
> In other news, this fic hit 300 kudos as of the last chapter! That must mean I'm doing something very right, or very wrong. Either way, thanks for reading thus far. I promise it's worth it in the end........... _perhaps_............................


	36. 三十六

Ugh, I’m a fucking mess. Why can’t I keep my shit together for one moment and calm down before I go and make an ass out of myself on the phone?

I called him, ready with a whole serious monologue about domestic violence and a sincere apology, and as it turns out I woke him up because hey, stupid Hajime, it’s past fucking _midnight_. Finally, Oikawa was getting some sleep, and I just barged in with my baseless anxieties and got him all wound up when he didn’t need to be. I wasn’t even on the phone with him for more than a couple of minutes. He tried asking me what was wrong, but all I did was tell him to go back to bed; it was nothing. Because it _is_ nothing. I’m being irrational. What I need is just some goddamn _sleep_ , and all of this will be gone in the morning.

I should know better than to think I have any grip on my emotions when I’m dead tired.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol


	37. 三十七

Oikawa confronted me today during homeroom and demanded I tell him what was wrong with me, lately. I snapped back at him to tell me what the _hell_ was wrong with _him_ and stormed out of the room. Now I’m just hiding in the bathroom, writing in this journal that he _made_ for me that I just impulsively wrote off as a joke.

I’m so fucking _stupid._ I’m sorry that Oikawa has to deal with me. God, he doesn’t deserve this shit from me. I’m freaking out over a load of crap that’s all in my head and I’m making it worse by taking it out on him. Why am I so stupid? Why am I being so stupid? Why am I fucking this up so badly?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

 

Why am I so stupid?

  
Why am I so stupidly cute? Why am I so compassionate? Why am I so self-conscious when I know that I have made such a difference in Oikawa Tooru’s life? Why am I so endearing and handsome? Why do I have such nice bicep muscles? Well actually I know exactly why I have such nice bicep muscles, because I’m an excellent wing spiker and ace of the volleyball team don’t fill up the whole page you asshole I’m just writing things that you should already know ♡(.◜ω◝.)♡ did you just actually write out an emoji? Yes, what of it? That’s really cute Awwww, Hajime (´ε｀ )♡ You just called me Hajime. I… yes. I did, hahaha. I’m sorry. What for? Being stupid. You haven’t apologized for all the other times you’ve been stupid, Hajime wait gimme that back I wasn’t finished looking!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all have suffered enough  
> (for now)  
> 


End file.
